Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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