I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
