God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
