apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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