hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
