Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
