I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
