$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
