Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
