I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
