someone threw a dead crab at me
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
