Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
