I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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