Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
