I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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