Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He? As in you personified your dick?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Randomize
