nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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