Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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