Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
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Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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