I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
