That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
