Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
