Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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