I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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