I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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