Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
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I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
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Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic