Hey man sorry I got all grabby
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
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Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
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There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.