mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Randomize
