The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
