I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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