you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
