I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
