You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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