Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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