Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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