yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
How naked do you want me to be?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
