yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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