Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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