Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
