so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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