you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
