Your mouth is God's brothel.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
