I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
