I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
