you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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