it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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