What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
