never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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