It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
