Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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