sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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