dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I think my moral compass just broke
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
