I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
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This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."