I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.