highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???