I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize