my phone needs a breathalizer
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
