So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
