i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
