Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
